BOTTLE SERVICES’ | It’s Not Getting Any Better, But It’s Already So Great

by Bill DiDonna


Guys: apologies. I am constantly tardy, buy this may be pushing my limits. Currently holed up in the Cuban Charge D’Affaires Home in Belize City. He has been recalled to Havana, so its not like I’m drinking rum and spilling state secrets. In fact we are running dramatically short on rum and may have to resort to rationing if Jose Maria doesn’t return soon.

I don’t think I’m necessarily in trouble, but there are two Norwegians and their Lebanese puppet master who wouldn’t mind getting a few answers out of either me or Afef. She’s Tunisian and the current light of the proverbial life. But. She also apparently may have not fully revealed her entire past to me in the three wonderful months we have been together; and now the hens have come home to roost as it were.


Internet has been turned off here, but have finally figured out how to use Jose Maria’s diplomatic cable system. All very hush hush, but hopefully they should get to you unredacted.

Can you send me:3 US burner phones, 400 minutes on each3 sets of business cards matched to the corresponding phone number.

Pull names off the internet, something very American and easy to remember. Make all the addresses 1324 Crestwood Dr Peoria Il 61656 [explain later].

Make them all Asst. VP of Marketing or something, don’t make the job too important and don’t use anybody you know because you think it will be funny [Sorry MB, never go to Peru, apologies].

A case of scotch. We are both so sick of rum. More later.


Ok, the internet is back on and I have not received any sort of reply re: my cable of Tuesday evening. Let me explain about the scotch.

When you are on the run or just hiding out for a while, the one drink that makes almost any situation bearable is a good scotch. It clears the head, warms the soul, and can make an excellent bribe should the need arise. Good scotch is not easily available, which I know will come as a shock, but there it is. Here’s our wish list:

—3 Bottles Balvenie 14 Year Caribbean Cask. Afef can’t completely get away from the Rum and it is a fantastic tipple. 14 years in American Oak then finished in Caribbean Rum barrels. Well done.

—3 Bottles Aberlour A’Bunadh. This is the tipple to get out of trouble with. 125 proof, finished in sherry casks to give it some vanilla, some citrus, and some ginger. A few of these and pesky things like proper papers seem to float away.

—3 bottles Bowmore 25. A bit pricey, but this may really get us out of a jam, or make it so we do not care if we’re in one. Syrupy smoky sweetness. Heaven in a glass.

—3 bottles of Springbank 12. Only 12 years you ask? Yes, but it still has a lot going for it. Vanilla and chocolate, peat and just a little tobacco.

More later.

99XKY-001ZGreetings from Coxen Hole, a little slip of sand off of Honduras. We found some priest’s vestments in Jose Maria’s basement and were able to slip away. Belize, as you know, is English speaking, but now we are stuck with our limited Spanish while we contemplate our next move. Please, please send the box c/o Leifert’s Bank SA 112 wilde Road Bodden Town Grand Cayman Island [it is right across the street from the police station which always gives us a chuckle].

Probably heading out to Jamaica after this where we attempt to blend in with the tourists and figure out a way either back to Miami or to Port au Prince where, for a price, we can get to Havana. Did you know that in 1790 Haiti had a per capita income 25% higher than the US? Pointless, but interesting. Afef has some people in Cuba, she says, so we could hole up and wait for the temperature to cool off a bit. I think she is telling the truth as she did get us into Jose Maria’s place when the Norwegians were closing in.

Hoping to put this entire episode in the rear-view mirror come the New Year. Know anybody that might be interested in plans for a completely new type of semiconductor? Apparently uses a type of compressed sand and will revolutionize the industry. Would be willing to part with it for low seven figures. Ask around, but please be discrete. Anyway, thanks in advance for the Scotch, it is the single crucial factor in our entire plan and we are very much looking forward to a snoggle when it arrives.


Best, Ricky

Written by Bill DiDonna