by Jason Crombie

Seven Rules of Staying Youthful
People often ask me, “Hey, how have you managed to stay so youthful and garden-fresh after all these years?” Good question. How is it that I, a man who may or may not be 27, 34, or even 48 years old, can remain so svelte, spry and vigorous while drifting into life’s inevitable autumn years? How? Botox? No. Am I a vampire? No. Have I been involved in ritual sacrifice and the ingestion of my own semen since 1997? Yes, but that has nothing to do with it. The secret to my success is The Seven Rules of Staying Youthful, and now I share them with you so you can be young forever too.

Rule 1. Don’t have kids

No two ways about it, children will mercilessly burglarize you of your youth. My father once told me that after I was born he never slept soundly again, and that’s because children bring about life-long worries guaranteed to produce wrinkles so deep you’ll be able to sow carrots in them. Don’t have children. If you already have children, you need only deliver them to school while visibly drunk and the authorities will relieve you of them free of charge. You’re welcome.

Rule 2. Don’t make heavy purchases

I realized early on that I would never lose my boyish good looks so long as I never owned anything I couldn’t raise above my head. A car, a house, and a spouse are things not easily hoisted in the air, and, coincidentally, they are also the acquisitions that will age you faster than a strict diet of cigarettes, grain alcohol, and televised cricket. If you can’t lift it–don’t even look at it.

Rule 3. Don’t Smile 

Tess Christian, the woman who stopped smiling at age ten to preserve her youth, is on to something. Sure, after thirty years of impassivity she looks like a foundation-slathered balloon wearing a wig, and yes her eyes are soulless piss-holes, but she doesn’t have any wrinkles, and a lifetime of appearing completely emotionless is a small price to pay .

Rule 4. Don’t drive

I have never in my life been in possession of a driver’s license. This should be a point of great shame for me, but it isn’t. I actually consider it a triumph. Not having a license means never participating in road rage and never experiencing the annoyance of gas prices, insurance premiums and parking tickets. Never having a license means never growing old. Don’t get your license, just let your hand swim in the wind and sip your juice box.

Rule 5. Be Black 

Be black. Duh.

Rule 6. Older Friends

Don’t hang out with anyone younger than you; they’ll only remind you how old you are—both verbally and tacitly—and they’ll introduce you to their young friends who will say, “Wow, you don’t look 35,” without looking up from their iPhones. Get some old friends. There are plenty of desperate-for-companionship types at your local old folk’s home, and, if you can withstand the smell, they have great pills and poor memories.

Rule 7. Retain your seed

There’s a point in a plant’s life when it will stop producing attractive flowers and begin producing unattractive seeds. You are like a plant. Every time you achieve orgasm you are releasing your essence, your seed; you’re effectively jettisoning your own vitality. So keep your gunk on the inside, even if it makes you walk like you were born on a horse. Ladies: get that gunk. Nature’s first green ain’t gold, it’s milky. And it smells like bleach.