1. Your Paycheck: Money can be exchanged for a variety of goods and services, like Hot Wheels and rent. 

2. The Perks: The office provides all employees with coffee and erasers. Management says you’ll even get free bathroom access next quarter! 

3. Your Work Crush: If you quit, the version of her you’ve created in your head dies. If you stay, she stays alive until the day you get in trouble with HR. The choice is obvious: don’t be a murderer. 

4. Imposter Syndrome: You don’t think you deserve a better job. You are correct.

5. Work-Life Balance: If you leave, you’ll have no work-life balance—you’ll just have life. 

6. Your Boss Will Be Lonely: Connor seems like he could use a win this year. Do you really think he wants to be alone with Eric when you’re gone? Nobody wants to be alone with Eric. Not even Eric. 

8. Stock Options: If you’re loyal for long enough, you can prove your loyalty by paying money to own some of the company you inject value into.

9. The Sunk Cost Fallacy: Well, you’ve come this far. 

10. Causal Friday: Company spirit days keep morale up! Take, for example, Causal Friday, when everyone performs root-cause analysis to improve product efficiency.

11. The Janitor Calls You “Big Man”: Andy knows what’s up. 

12. Your Future Roadmap: Don’t think of this job as a dead end; think of it more like a cul-de-sac.

13. Gift Cards: The CEO just emailed you from a private email asking you to buy him $400 worth of Walmart gift cards as employee gifts. You should at least stay long enough to get your share of the pie. 

14. You’ve Already Built an Elaborate Nest in Your Cubicle: Management asks that you don’t bring twigs into the office; it’s too late for that. You’ve encrusted your knockoff Herman Miller chair in pine needles and coffee stirrers. With any luck, you’ll attract your office crush’s attention (see above) and start to incubate a healthy flock of future middle managers before EOD Friday.

15. The Economy: This economy, am I right?

16. The Invisible Hand of Capitalism: The Invisible Hand of Capitalism is supposed to guide the market, but you feel it crushing and choking you and everyone around you. It keeps waving you in, panhandling for just a little more profit to feed its equally-shadowy owner. The Hand will keep a grip on you no matter where you go; leaving is no solution. Also, when you buy products, The Hand pats you on the head and jerks you off a little bit.

17. You’re Stapled to the Desk: Frankly, I’m not sure how you managed this one. I’d call OSHA to help, but it looks like you did this to yourself, and that’s even worse. Do you want a staple remover? Yeesh.