F  L  A  U  N  T

 Artwork by Kristofferson San Pablo It's Sunday afternoon, your Nan is asleep in front of the tv, she’s dribbling. She’s dribbling on top of dried dribble. The antiques roadshow theme tune rattles her ear drums. Actually, what’s on Sunday TV in the USA? _Baywatch_? _Days of our lives_? Who cares, you want to treat Nan to a Sunday roast because she’s usually hangry when she wakes up and is known to get violent, especially towards you. Well, get ready to pick your Nan up from the floor because she’s going to fall off her fucking chair once she wakes up and sees you are preparing the true spectacle that is 8head's very own 8 Bird Roast. Let’s get started . **ASKING FOR YA’ BIRDS**  You walk into your local butchers. There are strange men in white coats and the sound of knives sharpening rings throughout the shop. You’re excited, confused, nervous. Do I like this smell? Should I call the police? How about offering myself up on the block in my underwear screaming ‘open me up boys!'. Don’t do any of these—just ask nicely for your 8 birds (don't forget to say thank you). They’ll need to be boned out and made into an 8 bird roast. If you haven’t seen this before it’s essentially watching real life Russian dolls, but with dead animals. Don’t forget to make sure they are all ethically sourced and free range.   Artwork by Kristofferson San Pablo **BIRDS** **Bird 1. Ostrich (8-10kg)** Ostrich farms, especially in the U.K., use a technique called Ostro-calm. They play gentle ambient music throughout their pens to relax them for laying the eggs. They only lay around 8 eggs a year. This technique also makes it easier for the farmer to chuck a bag over it’s head and kidnap it for your 8 bird roast.  Bird 2. Turkey (5-6kg) No it’s not Christmas, or Thanksgiving either—it’s 8 bird roast time! Order this well in advance to get a free range one however be prepared to have a thawed out left over bird from last Christmas. That’s just how the turkey crumbles.  Bird 3. Goose (3-4kg) A poetic creature with its beak on the pulse of some of the English languages most well-rounded sayings. “Having a gander”, “wild goose chase”, “mother goose”, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and “silly goose”. They are far from silly though. From their quills and skin used to write the medieval Icelandic Gray Goose Law to that Canadian company using their name to flog Lightweight Knits to that yummy mummy reversing up the drive-way in her four cylinder Range Rover. Like I said—beak on the pulse. **Bird 4. Chicken (1.5-2kg)** The humble chicken. Or so they’d have you believe. Chicken is too often regarded as the simplest of meats, much like house music it has gained a reputation for being inoffensive and somewhat beige. The first records (historic, not vinyl) of chicken date back as far as the 1970s. Chickens used to roam major cities unchallenged, and enjoyed an exclusive diet of truffles and cocaine. Similar to many genres of music, chickens have been stripped of their essence and rebranded for the high street consumer. Even your butcher is probably unaware of the unspoken history of chickens **Bird 5. Mallard Duck (1.2-1.5kg)** Most people are under the impression ducks can’t fly. The truth is ALL ducks can fly, they really can. But unfortunately they suffer from anxiety due to being self-conscious of their quack. Next time you see a duck, just quack at it. Quack again. Let him know it’s ok to quack. You might just change that ducks life and fling him back into duck airspace. **Bird 6. Poussin (700-900g)** CUTENESS ALERT - a poussin is a baby chicken. Even with its innards, feathers, head and feet removed, the cuteness is real. You’re probably going to feel like snatching this one from the butcher, running out the door and finding a secluded alley way. There you will want to hold it in the palms of both hands and stare at it gently sobbing (I’ve done this twice). Please don’t do that, buy an extra one and do that at home.  **Bird 7. Partridge (500g)** For this section I’m just going to list my favourite species of partridge. You’ll likely be given a grey or red legged and that’ll have to do. Ok here I go: snow partridge, sand Partridge, Chinese bamboo partridge, Taiwan partridge, hill Partridge, orange necked partridge, long billed partridge, green legged partridge, Tibetan partridge, Arabian partridge, See-see partridge. I could go on but I won't.  **Bird 8. Quail (90-100g)** Last and certainly least, literally because they’re so small is the quail. They are more seen than they are heard. With a strange calling noise which could easily be mistaken for a sample from Squarepusher - Ultravisitor this little ditty is going round off this Sunday nicely. I’m talking about the bird and the tune. It should also be noted at this juncture that the below playlist ought soundtrack your time in the venerable kitchen of which you’ve determined to plant your 8 bird flag.  Artwork by Kristofferson San Pablo **SIDES**  You’re all flustered from getting your head round the 8 bird roast, I get it. You’re too busy questioning your Canada Goose purchases, marinating a baby chicken in tears and practicing your confidence boosting quack in the bathroom mirror. Sundays are supposed to be a time for relaxing, no?! So here’s a list of banging sides I’d recommend.  Photo: JG **Roast potatoes**  Peel them up, stick them in. Can't go wrong. Or can you? Some say the secret to the perfect roast potato can be found by simply asking a very confident duck.  **Sage and onion stuffing**  It's time for a cry. Get slicing those onions, let it all out. Nan can't hear you, everything is gonna be fine. Fry the sliced onions in butter for 10-15 minutes before adding in your sage, salt, pepper and add breadcrumbs to the mix. Put into a baking tray and pop into the oven at 180C/350F.  **Roast parsnip**  If this one needs explaining further we're really going to struggle with this roast.   Photo: JG **Cauliflower cheese**  The unsung hero of sides, secretly keeping everything together while taking none of the glory. Boil that cauliflower,  give it a compliment, a good time. Then drain it off and in an oven dish. Put into a preheated oven while you prep the sauce. Saucy. Heat up 500ml of milk, 50g of butter and 4 tablespoons of flour. You're doing great. Nan loves it when you get saucy. Now add in your cheese and pour it all onto the cauliflower and put back into the oven.   Photo: JG **Chicken/vegetable gravy** Gravy is the glue that is going to hold this meal together. If like me you're a gravy whore you might be very tempted to have a sip of gravy. That's no good. If you're going to have a sip, you might as well have a pint of gravy on the side as your cooking beverage. Chefs spoils.  There it is, The 8 Bird Roast. Now go and chuck the oven on pre-heated to 180 degrees celsius/350 fahrenheit and drench yourself in the 8head 8 Bird Roast playlist. Take it out the oven when ‘Nuclear War’ by Sun-Ra starts and leave it to rest until Cameo. Serve up and you’ll be tucking just in time to give Nan a lesson in 90s Deep House courtesy of Yellow Sox. In case you hadn’t noticed the weights of the birds, you’ve now got leftovers until Christmas 2021. All the best. Listen to Gerry Read’s latest single out now: “Shit Cant Make Anything”!