No Lager Yeast was Harmed in the Making of this Colonic

by flaunt


No Lager Yeast was Harmed in the Making of this Colonic

A CALIFUK Guide to Staying Fit, Well, & Omniscient

CALIFUK Exercise Regimen

We took the median CALIFUK resident, and gave their profile to Equinox Fitness—the luxury fitness club with facilities in both Los Angeles and London. Equinox Master Trainer Angela Leigh provided a workout that will keep a CALIFUK resident in peak shape.

The median CALIFUK resident, will be:

» Young at heart, and young in physique–with the futuristic treatments available to the average CALIFUK resident, they will be 45 with the appearance of a 30-year-old.

» Decadent—image conscious, but with a passion for treating themselves—they will rely on nanobots and acid baths to keep their skin at its youthful best.

» Game but not too game—willing to work on themselves, but ultimately likely to choose the healthy(ish) smoothie and the anti-gravity liposuction, rather than the early morning run and the frugal diet.


(Equinox Training Camp)

Complete three times per week:


Funky 3-D Lunge Matrix

Helicopter Beast to Dog

Upside Down Table & Bridge Remix


Awkward Pull Lunge 

Sweep and Thrust (Weights)

Push It. Drive it. Run It.






Mini Mushroom and Beyond Meat Kale-ifornia Meat Pies with Avocado Gravy

Beyond Meat is a 100% plant protein meat substitute that replicates both the taste and texture of meat. This Los Angeles based startup has lofty goals, and is aiming to reduce global meat consumption 25% by 2020. We asked them to give us a recipe for the ideal Beyond Meat CALIFUK dish.

Yields 12 meat pies

Prep time 10 m

Cook time 25 m


2 large, or 4 small Portobello mushrooms, chopped

1 cup kale, roughly chopped

1 onion, diced

1 cup Beyond Meat Beef Crumbles

1 T. tomato paste

1 t. chili powder

3 T. almond milk

Pillsbury Puff Pastry

Avocado Gravy

1 ripe avocado, peeled and cut into chunks

½ poblano pepper

1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

¼ cup vegetable broth

Special Equipment

Muffin tin

Let the puff pastry and the Beyond Beef thaw out in a small bowl for about 30 minutes at room temperature.

Cook down the kale for about two minutes, cook the mushrooms and onions for 6-7 minutes and add to the kale. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

When the Beyond Beef crumbles are slightly thawed, combine the beef crumbles with tomato paste and chili powder, then add to the kale and mushroom mixture.

Using a 1/3 cup measuring cup, cut 9 holes in each sheet of puff pastry, making a total of 18 rounds. Fill the bottom of a muffin tin with a round of puff pastry, stuff with about 1 T of filling and top with another round, pinching in a decorative fashion around the edges. Brush the tops with almond milk and poke the tops with a tine of a fork a couple of times to let the steam escape. Cook for 15-17 minutes until golden brown.

While the miniature meat pies are cooking, roast the poblano over an open flame until it is blackened and blistered all over. When cool enough to handle, scrape the skin off and stem and seed the pepper. Use half the poblano and process together with the rest of the ingredients for the Avocado Gravy and blend until smooth.

Serve the hot mini meat pies with a big dollop of avocado gravy and enjoy!


A futuristic beverage for the citizens of CALIFUK, this spirit medicine feeds harmony and extra sensory perception through pineal gland de-calcification and activation. These elements help sustain the physical body, uniting the mind and spirit to enhance an overall sense of confidence, awareness and appreciation.

Add one teaspoon to 8oz of any hot or cold liquid. Delicious with nut milk, water, or tea. Makes approximately 25 servings depending on taste and desired level of potency. Don’t be afraid to double dose!

Wild Crafted Ingredients: Goji, reishi, Astragalus, Salvia (miltiorrhiza), organic Stevia

Moon Image Courtesy NASA. Kale-ifornia Meat Pie Image Courtesy Beyond Meat.