it’s assumed we’re destined for great things, but we don’t care about caring

by Amy Marie Slocum

A Journey in Jewels and other rations, along with a baker’s half dozen trail mix recipes from happy campers coast to coast.
Auden is why we were invited to perform at our music teacher’s salon the day that classes wrapped up at Institut Le Rosey, the, as the commoners say, “school of kings,” and our home since we were eight years old; and it was she who got the idea to swipe all the jewels from Mme. von Jori’s friends (after they had taken a tiny bit more sherry) while Auden was seducing the withered pillars of Rolleian society with an energetic rendition of the punishing “En Forêt” by Eugene Bozza.

We had just wrapped up a semester’s worth of unofficial seminars on pickpocketing and the history of jewel thievery taught by our friend Dashiell—a sophomore who spent last summer living money-free on the streets of Liechtenstein—and were on our way to summer camp at Lake Raquette—as our family has summered for generations—historically the time that mother chooses to give us a “vacation” from our meds. Adderall, Lexapro, and Vicodin being Auden’s sole reason for living, this was obviously unacceptable to us.

Kitchen Mouse

Spicy Thai Trail Mix: 

Agave Sesame Peanuts, Kaffir Lime and Chili Cashews, Chili Lime Mango, Dried Mango, Dark Chocolate, Coconut Chips. 

 Ingredients:

1 c coconut chips

1/2 c organic dark chocolate bar, cut into small pieces

1 c chili spiced dried mango, cut into small pieces

1 c Kaffir Lime and Chili Cashews

1 c Agave Sesame Peanuts

Mix all into large bowl, add some kaffir lime leaves for garnish. 

 Kaffir Lime and Chili Cashews

4 c raw cashews

10 keffir lime leaves, sliced 1/4 inch thick

1 tsp salt

3 tbsp melted coconut oil 

2 tbsp fresh grated lime zest

1 1/2 tsp ground ancho chile

5 dried chiles de arbol

Toss all ingredients in a large bowl until evenly coated.

Pre heat oven to 275°. Place coated nut mixture on a lined baking sheet. Bake for 5-7 minutes or until golden brown. Let cool for 15 minutes. 

 Agave Sesame Peanuts

1 c peanuts

3 tbsp agave

1 tbsp black sesame seeds

1 tbsp white sesame seeds

Toss all ingredients in a large bowl and coat evenly.

Pre heat oven to 250°. Place nuts on a lined bake sheet and bake for 10 minutes or until slightly browned. Place in fridge for 15 minutes to cool down the nuts.

It was while we were discussing the matter with Hopper—who also camps at Raquette—that Auden had the idea of purloining the jewels and fencing them to a jewel broker we found through the Annuaire—the directory of all living alumni, or les anciens Roséens as they are called—for a few months worth of Canadian pharmaceuticals during our layover in Toronto. As you can imagine, Auden was so ecstatic that she almost smiled.

The main problem, then, was how to get the spoils out of Switzerland. Twelve-year-olds carrying millions of Euros worth of jewels are known to raise alarm no matter how good looking we may be. Our plan was to claim half the jewels, wearing them on our person like some of our colleagues, those god-awful “Rich kids of Instagram,” and to hide the other half of the loot in the trail mix that mother thoughtfully shipped over to us for our voyage. Auden is crazy about mulberries.

If only our private jet were available, these precautions wouldn’t be necessary, but father requires the plane in Shanghai (he rents a suite at the Peninsula by the year these days) while he is consulting for Yu’e Bao. Not having our own transportation is the only thing that Auden and I truly despise.

Louis Tikaram, 

Chef, E.P. & L.P.

LD’s Spicy Trail Mix:

Growing up in a Fijian/Chinese/Indian house hold I have become very accustomed to all of my food being spicy including my trail mix.

This is a beautiful mix of Asian spices, which goes great with any kind of nuts or seeds though I love it with cashews, peanuts, pumpkin seeds and sultanas.

The recipe I have given makes a large quantity of spice though it will keep up to two months in an airtight container and can also be used to season anything you like; it is my secret ingredient in the kitchen.

 Spice Mix: 

2 tsp Sichuan pepper corns

2 tsp coriander seeds 

1 tsp whole star anise 

1 tsp cassia bark 

1 tsp small dry chili 

7 oz sea salt flakes

Rinse Sichuan pepper corns, coriander seeds and whole star anise under cold water and drain, combine all ingredients and mix together then spread out onto a baking sheet and roast at 284°F for 15 minutes stirring well every 5 minutes.

Let cool and grind to a fine powder in a spice grinder or motor and pestle.

 Trail Mix:

8 oz roasted unsalted cashew nuts

8 oz roasted unsalted peanuts 

2 oz roasted unsalted pumpkin seeds 

2 oz Sultanas 

3 tbsp spice mix 

In a large bowl mix all ingredients together well, if you like it spicy add a little more spice mix or less if you are more sensitive to spicy foods. 

Keep the mix in an airtight container, jar or bag. Enjoy out on the trail, watching the game or as a snack anytime.

Auden reminds me constantly that we should always be learning, so now some history: Eugène François Vidocq was a master thief who became the first detective. The first time he was thrown in jail he was 16. This experience taught the young virtuoso that he could survive and even thrive in a cell, and he immediately commenced a lifetime of rabble-rousing. Being sentenced to death was the only thing that could stop him, but he managed to talk his way out of the noose by becoming a spy for the Paris police, eventually amassing so much success that he opened a spy ring and detective agency.

“I believe I might have become a perpetual spy, so far was every one from supposing that any connivance existed between the agents of the public authority and myself. Even the porters and keepers were in ignorance of my mission with which I was entrusted. Adored by the thieves, esteemed by the most determined bandits (for even these hardened wretches have a sentiment which they call esteem), I could always rely on their devotion to me.”

Memoirs of Vidocq (1828)

Daniel Humm

Chef, Eleven Madison Park

The Eleven Madison Park Granola:

 Ingredients: 

2 3/4 c organic rolled oats

1 c unsweetened coconut chips

1 c shelled pistachios

1/3 c pumpkin seeds

1 tbsp kosher salt

1/2 c light brown sugar

1/3 c maple syrup

1/3 c extra-virgin olive oil

3/4 c dried sour cherries

Preheat the oven to 300°F. In a large mixing bowl, toss together the oats, coconut, pistachios, pumpkin seeds, and salt. In a small saucepan over low heat, warm the brown sugar, maple syrup, and olive oil until the sugar is just dissolved. Fold into the oat mixture, coating all of the dry ingredients as evenly as possible. Spread out onto a large rimmed baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake until dry and lightly golden, 15 to 20 minutes, stirring the granola often to allow for even baking and drying. Remove from the oven and fold in the dried sour cherries. Allow to cool to room temperature before transferring to individual jars. Makes 6 cups 

Many modern-day jewel thieves lack the panache of Vidocq. Take Lindsay Lohan for example. While I admire her perseverance, I fear that she is only motivated by stupidity and kleptomania; plus she keeps getting caught. Doris Payne, however, is a shining exception. Payne was an artist in every sense of the word. She swiped jewels from some of the best jewelry stores on the planet using only her looks, charm, and wits, and even when she was caught she remained unbowed. “I don’t have any regrets about stealing jewelry, I regret getting caught,” Payne said when she was in her eighties. She reportedly had twenty recorded aliases, five Social Security numbers and nine dates of birth on record; her mug shot is a work of art.

Back in Mme. von Jori’s parlor, things were going swimmingly. Once Auden sets her mind to something she really goes all out; during the most stirring part of “En Forêt.” Mme. von Jori’s guests were so moved that removing their diamonds, pearls, and gold was a snap, and once the last note rang out, Auden collapsed, weeping, seemingly overcome by the beauty of the piece while I comforted her—stashing the jewels in the body of her French horn, which, being gold-plated itself, concealed the cache perfectly—and ushered her out the door before anyone suspected a thing.

“There are three good reasons why the FBI investigates jewelry and gem theft. First, the thefts usually cross state and even national boundaries—so they need a federal agency with offices across the nation and overseas to investigate these highly mobile jewelry thieves. Second, these crimes are increasingly committed by organized criminal enterprises or “theft groups” that likewise require a federal agency with tough laws and with offices across the U.S. and overseas to bust. And third, these theft groups are often involved in other kinds of organized crime activities already under scrutiny by the FBI.”

—FBI.gov

Our plan went perfectly in Toronto. The TSA agents looked greedily at our trail mix while they had their paws all over our custom Louis Vuitton trunks, but after explaining that these particular mulberries must be picked at midnight on a night with 60-70% humidity and offering them a small bag for their Instagram account they let us pass with little hassle.

Warpaint

Most importantly we begin with Farmer Dave’s Roasted Hot Nuts (Cali-style)

 Ingredients: California Almonds, olive oil, habanero chili peppers, garlic, onions, tomato paste, vinegar, spices, seasoning salt, and a pinch of sugar. 

After that the rest is up to you. We suggest you add some dried pineapple, salted macadamia nuts, a little goji berries, a bit of sunflower seeds, and a few dark chocolate covered apricots. 

Enjoy with your eyes open or closed. Best shared with a stranger. Happy Summertime.

After the horror of flying “first class” we were grateful to transfer to the private plane owned by Milo’s family. Milo is an old Roséen as well, and his family has also camped at Raquette for four generations, so we knew he would hold the plane for us once we told him of our plan (and picked him up several months worth of Flexeril—the secret to his incredibly limber high-dive—in the process). It was then that it began to dawn on Auden and me that there might be other campers in the same sticky situation, and that it was our Camp Raquette duty to help them. Right then and there we called up all our old friends and then our pharmacist to put in an extra order for some Chlorpromazine, Xanax, Celexa, Prozac, Wellbutrin, and Cymbalta (the quality of the Canadian medical system is really unparalleled).

All that remained was to fence the remainder of the jewels and pay a visit to our pharmacist. Our jewel broker was a gem himself, he was more than happy to take a look at our goods, and after hearing our sob story—and putting in a small order for some Seroquel, which, though commonly thought of as an anti-psychotic, has the added benefit of imparting a mask-like appearance to the face, an invaluable trait for a jewel buyer—we were on our way.

Proof Bakery

Almond Coconut Crunch Trail Mix:

 Ingredients:

Dragee Almonds with Cocoa Nibs

Coconut Rocher Bits

Candied Orange Peel

Popped Amaranth

Toss together and enjoy!

 Dragee Almonds with Cocoa Nibs

1 c whole almonds

1/4 c sugar

1 tbsp water

1/8 c cocoa nibs

1/8 tsp salt

Add sugar and water to a saucepan

As soon as it boils, add nuts and stir on medium heat until sugar crystallizes over the nuts.

Take off the heat, continue to stir to break up the pieces.

Return to the heat, add cocoa nibs and salt and cook while stirring until sugar caramelizes.

Remove from heat and pour almonds on to a sheet pan to cool.

 Coconut Rocher Bits  

2 egg whites

110 g golden syrup

1/2 tsp vanilla

180 g unsweetened coconut

Whisk egg whites until frothy.

Fold whites into the golden syrup and vanilla.

Fold in coconut.  Form into small pieces and bake at 325° until golden brown.

Remove from oven to cool.

 Candied Orange Peel

2 oranges

2 c sugar

1 c water 

Cut oranges in half and juice.

Boil water and simmer until the peel can be easily pierced.

Let cool and scrape out most of the white part, slice into ¼ inch thick strips.

Put peel in saucepan and add sugar and water, cook on low until translucent 

Let cool in the syrup for 30 min, drain peel and let it dry overnight on a rack.

 Popped Amaranth

1/4 c unpopped amaranth

Heat up pan on medium high to high heat. 

Test if it’s hot enough by dropping a little  bit of water on it. If the water kind of “dances” and then evaporates, you’re ready to go. If not, let it get a bit hotter.

When you’re ready to pop, add a tablespoon of amaranth, spread, cover quickly, and then move the pan around while you watch them pop. Stop popping when three quarters look popped. This tends to be the best way for it not to burn. 

Pour them quickly into a bowl, and then move onto your next batch.

Let the pan cool off a bit and reheat between each batch. This just helps to prevent burning.

Although the prescriptions were ordered in our mother’s name—who has been prescribed every drug known to the American Medical Association—we still were unsure with an unknown pharmacist. We made sure to wear our largest Tom Fords, and to down the remainder of our Lexapro—taking advantage of its best side effect: “increased risk-taking behavior” before strolling into the quaint pharmacy while channeling our eternal role model for giving zero fucks: Doris Payne.

The balding, thin Torontonian behind the counter did seem suspicious at first, but after placing a call to mother’s doctor, who could not confirm the plausibility of her being in Toronto but not deny the plausibility of her being prescribed large doses of all the meds on our list, he dusted off the scales and got to work. It looked like we were on our way to medicated bliss until the balding pharmacist’s wife emerged from her ogre’s cave behind the window. Short, bearded, and round, Auden knew we were in trouble as soon as we saw the witch. With a bestial grunt Mrs. Pharmacist started flailing her hands at her husband and gesturing to us. Our faces, thanks to our faithful friend Vicodin, betrayed not a hint of anxiety, and when she finally turned to us for our interrogation, our coolness under pressure ushered in an opportunity for the sad little man to finally stick it to his dog of a wife. He was still gleefully shouting at her as we were on our way out the door.

Jon Shook & Vinny Dotolo

Chefs and Owners: Animal, Son of a Gun, Jon & Vinny’s

Momo’s Trail Mix:

 Ingredients:

2 1/2 c Rolled Oats Oatmeal (Bob’s Redmill)

1 1/2 c raw pecan halves

3/4 c raw pepitas

1/2 c raw Sunflower Seeds

1/4 c sugar

1/8 tsp ground nutmeg

1/8 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 c SunCoco Oil (La Tourganelle)

2/3 c maple syrup

2 bags Peanut Butter M&M’s (1.4oz)

1 bag mini pretzels (1.5oz)

1 c golden raisins

1 c Hana Rice Crackers (Umeya)

Heat oven to 325°.

Roughly chop pecan halves.  Mix with pepitas, oatmeal and sunflower seeds.

Mix together sugar and spices, toss in the nut mixture.

Heat the oil and maple syrup in a pot, just til it combines. Toss in the nut mixture, coating everything well.

Pour mix onto a parchment covered sheet pan.   Put in the oven. Mix with a spatula every 10 minutes, rotate the pan after mixing. Pull out of the oven after 25 minutes, pecans should be golden brown (it’s okay if there’s some liquid still).

Allow the mix to cool. Break up into chunks and put in a bowl. Toss with the peanut butter M&M’s, mini pretzels, golden raisins, and rice crackers.  

As Milo’s plane skimmed the lush Maine landscape and old Raquette neared, we once again reflected on our patron saint Vidocq, and mused that even the most talented and legendary jewel thief went clean eventually. He outwitted criminals by thinking like them until he was forced to retire after some young upstart of a police chief with no sense of humor got on his case one too many times. Vidocq responded (like a badass) with a legendary resignation letter:

“For eighteen years I served the police with distinction. I’ve never received any criticism from your predecessors. I must think therefore that I never earned one. Since your appointment to the Second Division, this is the second time you did me the honor to address me by complaining about my agents. Am I their master in the time they spend out of office? No. To save you, sir, the trouble of sending me further similar complaints in the future, and me the inconvenience of receiving them, I have the honor to solicit you for accepting my resignation.”

At least these are the thoughts that we would have had, had we not been so heavily, delightfully, medicated.

Chris Ying, 

Editor-in-Chief, Lucky Peach

I’ve never eaten trail mix on a trail—it’s more of a late-night-catatonic-in-front-of-the-tv thing for me. I feel cheated by trail mixes that resemble bird seed, but I’m also puzzled by mixes that are 90 percent chocolate. Ideally: 15% candy (yogurt drops, chocolate), 35% roasted nuts (the good shit—almonds and cashews, no walnuts), 25% cranberries and other tart dried fruit, 10% seeds, 15% fancy surprises (Japanese crackers, nori, candied ginger, etc).

 

Photographer: Kenji Toma for CartelAndCo.com.

Realisation: Mui-Hai Chu.

Stylist: Joshua Liebman at JoshuaLiebman.com.

Styling Assistant: Martn Hamery.