Witness Protection Program Surveys: Flaunt's Contributers Change Identities

by Flaunt Editorial Staff

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We asked a select cell of contributors, colluders, and those generally in cahoots for this, The Witness Protection Issue, to participate in an identity reassignment for their own protection. Their respective editorials can be found in the pages that follow.


Name: Vivian Galeana.

Profession: Writer.

Reason for admittance: Ratted Out My Ex-boyfriend, (he just so happened to be the leader of the Russian Mafia).

Alias: My name is Jemima Heifenweizer and I now reside in Hoboken. I am a 52-year-old (I want people to tell me I look younger) female (why rock the boat?) and I am currently employed at a quaint floral shop (ironically it’s a front for money laundering) as a receptionist who can’t seem to work the phone. I am in a relationship with a Soundcloud rapper that’s just about to make it. My new hobbies include beekeeping, knitting hats for my lawn gnomes, and drinking outdoors (aka my patio). I would like my new physique to have all ten toes, finally. I feel relieved about leaving my past behind and optimistic for my future.


Name: Anthony Yarbrough.

Profession: Writer.

Reason for admittance: Defending Jar Jar Binks.

Alias: My name is Pancake Butterface and I now reside in The Cloud. I am a 69-year-old genderfluid entity and I am currently employed at Best Buy as a feminist construct. I am in a relationship with someone who lives in Canada so you can never meet them but they’re very pretty. My new hobbies include fracking, urban knitting, and trying to eat. I would like my new physique to have metal and plastic. I feel nothing about leaving my past behind and less than nothing for my future.


Name: Alison Green.

Profession: Writer.

Reason for admittance: Smuggling Potatoes Across International Borders.

Alias: My name is Snickers Purdue and I now reside in the heel of Italy. I am (a lady never tells) year old grandmother of seven and I am currently employed at a scrapyard as an installation artist. I am in a relationship with my Yoni egg. My new hobbies include parasailing, disco snow, and hamster racing. I would like my new physique to have a wet nose. I feel Britney Spears circa 2007 about leaving my past behind but #blessed for my future.


Name: Augustus Britton.

Profession: Writer.

Reason for admittance: I Just Wanna Chill.

Alias: My name is Peace Pipe Papi and I now reside on my own private island. I am a 4 (in dog years) old veggie-popsicle and I am currently employed at Mom’s Garage as a Momma’s Boy. I am in a relationship with The Jesus and Mary Chain. My new hobbies include praying to HP, meditating on stars, and reading Stendhal. Whats’ a physique? I feel fine about leaving my past behind and dandy for my future.


Name: Charlie Skelton.

Profession: Writer. Reason for admittance: hate speech.

Alias: My name is Viscount Chetwynd of Bearhaven and I now reside in Bearhaven. I am a 78-year-old viscount and I am currently employed at Bearhaven Manor as a viscount. I am in a relationship with the ghost of my late uncle. My new hobbies include standing in corridors, staring at my own portrait, and admiring silverware. I would like my new physique to have an aristocratic profile and thin lips. I feel nothing about leaving my past behind and nothing for my future.


Name: Paolo Di Lucente.

Profession: Photographer.

Reason for admittance: Stealing pizza dough.

Alias: My name is Michelangelo and I now reside in NYC. I am a 33-year-old male and I am currently employed at Danny’s Pizza as a Pizza Maker. I am in a relationship with April O’Neil. My new hobbies include karaoke, karate, and video games. I would like my new physique to have fat. I feel sad about leaving my past behind but excited for my future.


Name: Jimi Urquiaga.

Profession: Stylist.

Reason for admittance: Stealing your man.

Alias: My name is Cardi C. Minus and I now reside in a crib with a gate. I am an as old as you want me to be Dominican female and I am currently employed at Little Darlings Gentlemen’s Club as a pole disinfecting attendant. I am in a relationship with my man, Off-Full. My new hobbies include helping my girl Iggy with her lyrics, calling my girl Nicki for our next collaborative project, and looking for relative songs by my girl Kim. I would like my new physique to have a bigger ass. I feel regular degular shmegular about leaving my past behind but looking forward to dat MONEY in my future.


Name: Henry de Castillon.

Profession: Stylist. Reason for admittance: Pulling down Donald’s pants.

Alias: My name is Ms. Seek Mini-Winny- Wanga and I now reside in Russia. I am a 38-year-old shemale and I am currently employed at Kremlin’s Palace as a sanitary cleaner. I am in a relationship with Ivanna. My new hobbies include fashion college, selfies, and LinkedIn. I would like my new physique to have less mustache. I feel unsatisfied about leaving my past behind but looking forward to my Snapchat modeling career for my future.


Name: Clay Stephen Gardner.

Profession: Photographer.

Reason for admittance: Streaking the pitch.

Alias: My name is Shaney Lancaster and I now reside in Bolton, UK. I am a 27-year-old male and I am currently employed at The Pixy Pub as a best lad...ever. I am in a relationship with the late George Best. My new hobbies include good, old, and habits. I would like my new physique to have a gleaming sixer. I feel right as rain about leaving my past behind and never better about my future.


Name: Francesca Turner.

Profession: Stylist.

Reason for admittance: trafficking underage actresses. My name is Tess O’Farrell and I now reside in Amsterdam. I am a 28-year-old female and I am currently employed as a freelance professional Bridesmaid. I am in a relationship with Arlo Francis. My new hobbies include calligraphy, speed skating, and window boxes. I would like my new physique to have bangs that behave well. I feel guilty the dog has had to assume a new identity too but contently bored about my future.


Name: Owen Reynolds.

Profession: Photographer.

Reason for admittance: Material witness to crimes against sartorial elegance.

Alias: My name is Rufio and I now reside in Honolulu, Hawaii. I am a 35-year-old male and I am currently employed at Rufio’s Custom Log Shop as a shaper, owner, and proprietor. I am in a relationship with Kristen. My new hobbies include riding my 10ft log, free diving, and calisthenics. I would like my new physique to have bulging biceps. I feel melancholic about leaving my past behind but excited about my future.


Name: Eloise Cheung.

Profession: Hairstylist.

Reason for admittance: Evidence of government corruption against high powered politicians as the owner of an underground foot fetish club.

Alias: My name is Sally Wong and I now reside in Culver City. I am a 41-year-old female and I am currently employed at Doggy Tales as a pet groomer. I am in a relationship with Stanley. My new hobbies include cross-stitch, car mechanics, and aromatherapy. I would like my new physique to have a narrower waist. I feel indifferent about leaving my past behind and depressed about my future.


Name: Gil Inoue.

Profession: Photographer.

Reason for admittance: Treason Under The Espionage Act.

Alias: My name is Citizen Four and I now reside in Reykjavik Iceland. I am a 40-year-old male and I am currently employed at WikiLeaks as a coder. My new hobbies include coffee and crosswords. I feel dread about leaving my past behind but excited for my future.


Name: Santa Bevacqua.

Profession: Stylist.

Reason for admittance: Daughter of a prominent Calabrese Mafia Boss.

Alias: My name is Holly Drinkwater and I now reside in Miami, FL. I am a 39-year-old female and I am currently employed at Avon as a seller. I am in a relationship with a female. My new hobbies include clay pigeon shooting, circuit training, and prepping. I would like my new physique to have fake boobs, fake lips, fake butt, fake nose, fake cheeks. I feel sad about leaving my past behind but excited about my future.


Name: Shane McCauley.

Profession: Photographer.

Reason for admittance: Colluding With G-Eazy.

Alias: My name is Bob Van Horowitz and I now reside in East Sussex, NJ. I am a 38-year-old man and I am currently employed at Blockbuster Video as a manager of the adult video section. I am in a relationship with Marisa Tomei. My new hobbies include jager-bombs, mini golf, and working on my car. I would like my new physique to have really big muscles. I feel relieved about leaving my past behind and optimistic about my future.


Name: Bill DiDonna.

Profession: Writer.

Reason for admittance: It was internet based, but I can’t go into details.

Alias: My name is Ricky LeJambon and I now reside in Singapore. I am a (I’ve had a lot of work done) man and I am currently employed at (it’s internet based) but I can’t go into details. I am in a relationship with a 20-year-old Islay Single Malt. My new hobbies include Alley Dice, cockfighting, and big wave surfing. I would like my new identity to have bulletproof skin. I feel sanguine about leaving my past behind and unrealistically optimistic about my future.