Location Be Damned, I Need Some Rest

by Francis Parrilli

Feature from "The Location Issue" Continues
ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY $$$$$ 400,000 reviews

Accepts Credit Cards: No. Parking: Private Lot. Wheelchair Accessible: Yes. Good for Kids: No. Good for Groups: Yes. Attire: Formal. Noise Level: Quiet. Good For Dancing: No. Alcohol: No. Best Nights: Sun. Takes Reservations: No.

As the global population continues along the path of astronomical growth and the once plenteous vacancy of land continues to diminish, the pursuit of post-mortem prime real estate is more fiercely competitive than ever. Why spend diminishing financial resources on the likes of coastal Malibu or Monaco when you’re going to spend more time in a pine box than on a picturesque balcony? Be it urn, casket, pyre, or crypt, the secrets to an eternity of pious contentment may simply lay in the geographic splendor of where you do. So choose wisely, this is one long-term lease that is unbreakable.

When the time comes to “scrape that shine right off your shoes,” come on down to sweet Virginia’s national final homestead for accomplished American heroes. Star-studded with the likes of past presidents, astronauts, first wives, and lawmakers, this active military recruitment barracks of consequence may be the most famous sward for the patriotic worm-rotting warmonger. Dating back to the Civil War, this Potomac cove residency represents the history of a nation laid out in a simple, yet elegantly clean display, with larger buildings and memorials drawing from enduring Roman and Greek design. The main drawback of this property, besides the high tourist interchange, appears to be that membership usually requires an individual paying the “ultimate price” in defense of one’s country, although kicking it with JFK, party animal Robert McNamara, and the Unknown Soldier tend to be strong enough selling points to tip the scales of widowed wager.