Location Be Damned, I Need Some Rest

by Francis Parrilli

Feature from "The Location Issue" Continues
HOLLYWOOD FOREVER $$$$$ 44,000 reviews

 

Accepts Credit Cards: Yes. Parking: Street, Private Lot. Wheelchair Accessible: Yes. Good for Kids: Yes. Good for Groups: Yes. Attire: Dressy. Noise Level: High. Good For Dancing: Yes. Alcohol: Yes. Best Nights: Fri, Sat. Takes Reservations: Yes.

As the global population continues along the path of astronomical growth and the once plenteous vacancy of land continues to diminish, the pursuit of post-mortem prime real estate is more fiercely competitive than ever. Why spend diminishing financial resources on the likes of coastal Malibu or Monaco when you’re going to spend more time in a pine box than on a picturesque balcony? Be it urn, casket, pyre, or crypt, the secrets to an eternity of pious contentment may simply lay in the geographic splendor of where you do. So choose wisely, this is one long-term lease that is unbreakable.

In Paramount Studio’s backyard rests the interments of past big-screen glory. Like props put out to pasture, the locals here represent the oldest clique of chic old Hollywood royalty, and recent renovations have restored the more elegant tones of the underground ecclesiastical bungalows. With the names Rudolph Valentino, Bugsy Siegel, and Douglas Fairbanks keeping the old mortuary cool while the likes of Johnny and Dee Dee Ramone stay sedated, there is still plenty of space for you to act out the afterlife. Worried that your neighbors won’t impress the children? They’ve got you covered; Cinespia, an on-site weekend film screening during the summer months will keep them entertained long after the flowers have wilted. Conveniently located off of Santa Monica Boulevard, the memorial’s embracement and exploitation of those who lie beneath the wreaths and roses perfectly epitomizes the bright-light SoCal final scene.