Location Be Damned, I Need Some Rest

by Francis Parrilli

As the global population continues along the path of astronomical growth and the once plenteous vacancy of land continues to diminish, the pursuit of post-mortem prime real estate is more fiercely competitive than ever. Why spend diminishing financial resources on the likes of coastal Malibu or Monaco when you’re going to spend more time in a pine box than on a picturesque balcony? Be it urn, casket, pyre, or crypt, the secrets to an eternity of pious contentment may simply lay in the geographic splendor of where you do. So choose wisely, this is one long-term lease that is unbreakable.
THE CITY OF THE DEAD  $$$$$ 500,000 reviews

Accepts Credit Cards: No. Parking: Street. Wheelchair Accessible: Yes. Good for Kids: Yes. Good for Groups: Yes. Attire: Casual. Noise Level: High. Good For Dancing: Yes. Alcohol: No. Best Nights: Sat. Takes Reservations: No.

What better place to toil in the eternal sands of time than the granular looseness spread across four epic miles of legendary Egyptian decay. Nestled below the majestic Hills of Mokattam, this Islamic necropolis is the buried gem of Cairo’s secluded Zabbaleen slum of departed inactivity. Still want to be around the living but don’t want to deal with that phantom limb feeling? Be it squatters, displaced relatives, or the premises “employees,” this is the Arabic (if not aromatic) jaunt for you. Here, while you saunter within the narrows of dense mausoleum walls and gridlocked tombs, the strong infrastructure houses an extraordinary amount of still-in-the-flesh souls plodding up above you. A rose, it is not, but this is one place you’ll never feel lonely. With mummification out of style and short commutes for haunting in, this buy-low antiquity is attractive for the close-knit community and modest effort-driven shopper.