Guy Gerber

by Matthew Bedard

So All My Problems Were Solved And I Got A Travel-Bureau Car For Eleven Dollars’ Gas-Fare To Frisco And Zoomed Over The Land
When Margiela-cloaked techno prankster/composer/handsome hero, Guy Gerber, was a young lad, he won, within a matter of days, Israel’s distinguished Prize For Sexy Strategy and Wellness, a global chess competition, a sharpshooting medley, and a Jenga tournament that lasted 96 hours; he was then dizzily teetering with sleeplessness and the weight of the aforementioned journey’s gold medals round his long, bass-bobbing-friendly neck, as his opponent, David Bowie, wept like a child with an upset tummy and a bad haircut. The part of the story that made him famous, though, was that he went out into the streets of Tel Aviv after winning, and had his medals soldered in half, popped them into an ice cream cone like you might an Oreo, and returned to the arena where he shared his glory, only just starting to melt, with the still-blubbering Bowie, who later went on to declare him as “The One Without Fear.” Perhaps this explains why Guy Gerber’s favorite thing, in close competition to composing, producing, and moving thousands of people from Ibiza to Atlanta, is pillow talk, that relaxed and most intimate of whispered declarations, including this one when asked about the games we play: “I’m more into refurbishing hearts, not breaking them.”

Guy Gerber hasn’t ceased winning, something he does with smiling, stylish alacrity. Consider the tunes he’s set to drop on the evening of this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, tunes on which the formidable Diddy collaborated, 11:11, the rumors of which have been swirling around the dance den for a couple years now. Apropos, Rumors is the name of Guy Gerber’s new label, perhaps inspired by his salacious, oft gossipy, but eternally in love WhatsApp group, in Ibiza, home to last summer’s residency which saw the likes of Nicolas Jaar, Chromatics, Benoit & Sergio, Four Tet, and others sit down for the feast. Everyone had such a good time.

Rumors also abound regards the twinkly-eyed Guy Gerber’s mystical powers, beyond the game board or the sack. It’s said he’s on the bill for Virgin Galactic’s inaugural space jam; that he makes a hobby of rescuing screaming busloads of children from ice ponds like The Sweet Hereafter, but sweeter (in that the children don’t die); that he turned down the role for Ray because, while a great pianist, he felt the privilege of playing Ray Charles was best suited for someone born in America; that he sleeps standing up; that he drinks cobra blood before his sets, not for its virile potency, but because he likes the taste; that when he swims in the sea, the tide gets cooler; that mothers find him not only charming, but euphorically disarming; that the country of Scotland annually sheers its finest cashmere into a cocoon they posit for Guy Gerber in every city he sets foot (he likes to sleep, like many of us); that whatever you’ve heard, whatever you’ve thought, you’re only in it to win it with this guy, Guy Gerber.


Photographer: Kayla Varley at Stylist: Olivia Purnell. Models: Ali Marie and Meagan Lee for, Los Angeles. Hair: Paul Desmarre for using Number 4 hair care. Makeup: Debbie Gallagher for using Chanel.