Mad Libido

by Sean U'Ren

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Dear Chris,

Summer camp is almost over I still haven’t _______________ my _______________.

The camp is replete with disgusting _______________ that gets all over my shoes, and the other day I got stuck in the woods until _______________, covered with _______________.

That’s hardly the worst of it, though. Counselor _______________ brought us on an overnight wilderness excursion to teach us how to _______________ _______________. It was cold and dismal, and swimming was almost impossible with the lake being one gigantic _______________. As I write this, I am currently bedridden after entering the water. I just wanted to wash my greasy hair in what was described as a “refreshingly pure” lake when a _______________ climbed up my _______________. At first I thought it was _______________ grabbing me to surprise me, but when I looked back and saw I was alone I _______________ out.

Now that I am confined to my bed, incapacitated by fear and a strange rash from the creature that touched me, my only contact is with an older _______________. We sit together in the cramped cabin, listening to the _______________ outside, and clinging to each other in fear. Yesterday, I heard that the other campers were having a competition to create a _______________ using only their _______________, and the winner apparently gets to leave. I wish I were well enough to compete.

I have told my _______________ story to no one but you as of now. When I am finally released from my prison, I plan on first eating some _______________, and then suing these sadists. In particular, I hope father will ruin Counselor Pete, who has a _______________ for a/an _______________, and terrorizes the campers. One camper even went missing in his care. Upon hearing this I became so _______________ that I can’t sleep through the night anymore.

The counselors are _______________ _______________ every waking moment so we’re more or less left to protect ourselves against the deadly _______________.

Next year I’m totally coming with your family to _______________ instead.

Sincerely,

_______________

Participant Louis Peitzman is a senior editor at Buzzfeed. 

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