10 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

by Mitra Jouhari

#IrrationalLampoon is saucin' on you (and has spent all it's pay).
[Disclosure: On February 24, 2016 cosmpolitan.com posted "23 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy"]


Have you ever wondered how to be happy? Ponder no longer! Being happy is actually so fucking easy, you wouldn’t even believe it. But you have to trust me. I’m Elycia the Magnificent, and welcome to my Safe Hut. You are one of the Chosen Ones. You have to listen to all of my advice or you’re going to be sad like all the other peasants that wander the earth, deaf and blind to my guidance and wisdom.

Okay ladies, let’s get it started! Get ready to purge your way to a big old smile! Here are ten things you have to get rid of to be my good little girl.

  1. Your social media accounts! Who needs ‘em? Delete them so that no one can find you or at least give me the password so I always know what you're doing. You answer to me. You will be happier if you surrender yourself completely... ladies!!
  2. Your habit of instinctively saying “NO” to things. When I make a demand, say “YES” with a big smile—smiling will increase your level of endorphins and also I do not make demands lightly. Disobey and you will be punished.
  3. Sleep! Ain’t no rest for the wicked, teehee! I like my good little girls tired and delirious so that they are more willing and susceptible to follow my rules. Together we will create a master race of only women. We will march across the planet and eradicate the men and convert non-believing women to join the cause, and on July 21, 2019, we will all take a pill at the same time and die.
  4. Drugs and alcohol. The only substances you need are the potions I make in the hut. Plus, drugs and alcohol make your body do weird stuff, icky!
  5. All of your money. Give up all of your money and give it to me so that I can build a big castle on a hill. It is what I have always dreamed of and if you are good, you will be allowed to live in it. Non-believers live in the moat.
  6. Your identity. You have to be just like me and follow my rules. I am happy and no one else knows how to be happy. I will choose your name.
  7. Your house. You don’t need it anymore. You live with me now. Are you happy? Say yes, and if you are thinking about saying no, refer to Rule #2.
  8. Your clothes. My good little girls wear white satin dresses and nothing else. Slippers if you are obedient.
  9. Your dog. No dogs in my castle. I am scared of them.
  10. Your husband. Obviously there are no men allowed in the castle!!!!

And that’s it! Ten simple changes you can make to your life so that you can be happy! They’ve worked for me and I know they’ll work for you. Listen to me or pay for it when the revolution comes for you. Rock on, ladies! Come be mommy's good little girl.