Dear People Putting Actual Weed In Your Actual Vagina

by Mitra Jouhari

#IrrationalLampoon can feel that headline bling and is deeply embarrassed now.

[Disclosure: On February 2, 2016 cosmpolitan.com posted "The Case for Putting Weed Up Your Vagina"]

Hey guys, it’s me, Girl With No Mouth. If you’re like me and you have no mouth, it’s really hard to smoke weed because you do not have a face hole to smoke from like everybody else. Not having a mouth can be so frustrating, but I don’t want to complain about that too much because I assume everyone reading this article also has no mouth. Obviously! The only reason you could ever even briefly consider shoving weed up your vagina is if you don’t have a fucking mouth.

Since there is literally no fucking reason otherwise to put weed up your vagina, I thought I’d make a handy guide for people who have no mouth but still want to get high from weed. If I had a mouth, I would definitely smoke it or eat an edible, because those things make sense and putting weed up your vagina does not make sense in the slightest. I know it seems so, so stupid to do this, but people without mouths wanna get blazed like the rest of you! Life can be really hard when you don’t have a mouth.

BUT—enough complaining about how my mouth melted off my face because I sat by a bunsen burner for too long. No one wants to hear about that! Y’all want to hear about shoving weed up your fuck hole. Though I guess 2016 is becoming the year of anal, so I guess I have to clarify which fuck hole. Ya girl has to acknowledge the trends (as a woman MUST!). Y’all want to hear about shoving weed up the fuck hole that the babies fall out of. That’s right, your pussy!

I know my instructions are going to sound really stupid, but that’s because doing this is really stupid. There is no reason to do this, but I am getting paid four hundred million dollars by the pussy weed industry to write this article. I am but a puppet, with the pussy weed industry as my master holding the strings and guiding my nimble fingers as I clip clap tip type on the keyboard, this soulless work stripping away what little humanity I had left. Please, please help me. I am a husk of my former self.

Okay! First thing’s first—get naked from the waist down like a little teddy bear! I’d even recommend getting all the way naked—I mean, hey—you’re about to violate yourself with a plant, so you wanna make sure you’re totally exposed while you do it.

Turn the lights down a little bit so the soft lights make you start to forget your flaws. While you’re at it, play some soft, calming music so your muscles relax, because chances are your lady parts are on full alert mode because they’re terrified of having plants in there. Disregard what your tense body is telling you—it’s time to put that sweet, sweet grass up your sweet, sweet gash. Next up, grab a fist full of loose weed—dealer’s choice—and get ready to rock. Shove that weed straight into your bang hole and get ready to feel high as hell! You’ve earned this.

(NOTE TO THE READER: You are not going to set this weed on fire. Remember that your vagina is a part of your body, and even though you're stupid enough to shove weed up there, you’re not stupid enough to set your vag on fire. I hope.)

Now it’s time to sit back and relax. Ignore the fact that your whole vagina feels like it’s on fire and enjoy the sensation that your mind is a little numb. Good vibrations, baby! Close your eyes and definitely stay seated because you don’t want the weed falling out of the ridiculous place you forced it into. Stay motionless and calm so you can convince yourself that you made the right decision. Rub your hands all over your mouth-less face and think about how good it feels to use drugs like the rest of your peers who have mouths. Nice!! You’re a high girl just like everybody else. With pussy weed, it’s always 4:20.

ANOTHER IMPORTANT NOTE TO READERS: You should have 9-1-1 on speed dial and be ready to email your gynecologist for your inevitable UTI. There is literally no way that this is going to end well for you, but at least you’ll maybe get a little bit high.

ALSO, SERIOUSLY [editor's meta-note: LISTEN TO MITRA!]: do NOT set this weed on fire when it is inside of you, no matter how innovative the idea might seem at the time.

[Editor's note: We take no responsibility for engulfed canals!]

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